Back To Reality

Isabella has a fantastic imagination which thrills me and worries me at the same time.

As my mom and I've discussed my own childhood imagination, it was hard on me as well as her that I was such a daydreamer. Report cards generally had side notes about me being a good student except for spending so much time in LaLa Land.

Creative minds lead to wonderful things too. I am an artist, though out of practice other than drawing shapes and preschool artwork. I have always loved to read. I have big dreams of big things I'd like to do in life such as open a children's art studio in an old warehouse and hire local art institute students to teach.

On the other hand, a vivid imagination can be stressful or even frightening.

Since I was a child, I've gotten the heebie jeebies from leaving dark rooms or laying in bed in a very dark room. Kinda ridiculous since I always prefer to sleep in total darkness. I remember being a kid and laying in my parents' very large wooden CREEKY bed. I'd lay perfectly still, barely breathing, smack in the middle, covers up to my chin and tucked all in. I wouldn't look to the sides for fear of seeing the huge, gnarly green hand with thick yellow fingernails reaching for me. My heart would thud so loud I swear I could hear it. Then I'd begin to think that whatever was under the bed would just start stabbing at me from beneath the bed! Reigning that fear in long enough to doze off was often a challenge.

Sad part? I still get creeped out like that.

In recent months, I've been struggling spiritually. Questioning everything in and out of religion. Then one night as Ava snored sweetly next to me, I fell into a deep sleep only to be awakened by an incredible force pulling me. Not pulling my physical body but my soul. I fought it furiously with my mind but my body couldn't move. I was truly terrified. Then pissed. I yelled at it, "Let go of me, asshole!" Yeah, I cursed at an evil entity trying to swipe my soul.

When I was able to force myself to wake up, I was so scared I couldn't move for a moment which was even scarier. Finally I was able to snuggle up to my innocent baby girl, praying her precious spirit would protect me. Then I prayed mightily for forgivenes, for peace, for strength.

Now I'm not sure if it was imagination run amuck or literal come-to-Jesus moment for me. Either way, that night has me wondering/worrying if Bella will also experience the negative sides to creative thinking.

For now, it pleases me to see her twirl about the house pretending to be Peter Pan. She insists we address her as Peter Pan and that we don't ignore Tinkerbell who's always exactly where we aren't looking for her to be.

It is sweet and fun to pretend with my 3 year old. I want to continue to foster her imagination but I hope to also help her learn when to let go and return to reality.

Now I must go practice my air guitar lessons.

No Junk In The Trunk

When I got pregnant with Ava, I was 10 pounds heavier than when I was pregnant with Bella. May not seem like much to some but adding pregnancy weight to that, I thought surely I was doomed to forever wear 2 sizes bigger than what I'd been my whole life. Very traumatic.

A friend of mine started doing Weight Watchers. Her mother had joined and gave my friend all the info. She exercised (hahahaha..whew, the idea of doing that is friggin hilarious) and now she weighs what she did in high school. 123 lbs.

I KNOW!

When I'd had enough of the post-baby blubber, I asked her for help. She gave me all the WW materials for nursing moms and I began the diet immediately. I wouldn't even call it a diet. It is a change in the way I eat. I still snack all day. I eat chocolate and carbs. I just do it in moderation during the week, then lose my mind on the weekends. Sort of like college, but we won't go there.

Other diets nearly had me convinced that the WW diet was awful because you have to count points, when in fact it is so easy that I know in a nano-second how much I should or should not eat. 3 pts for a can of Coke or 3 pts for cookies? Eh, food please.

AND...I have lost 20 pounds. I've reached my goal!!

I highly recommend this diet. No, I'm not paid to say that though I'd surely accept payment in large bills, rolled not folded, faced the same way. WW is especially awesome for busy moms or nursing moms. Both of whom deserve a vacation from feeling like a beached whale.

However, if anyone can tell me where my butt went, I'm sure my husband would appreciate it.

*** Breaking News ***

Last night, Ava took her first steps free of any help.

She did it three times and was extremely proud of herself, squealing her delight,

while a little part of me was sad to see this huge milestone so soon upon us.

What's next, I ask. Reading?

Slow down, ladybug!

Razor Tooth Tiger

She is quick and quiet. She'll climb to her destination in a flash, teetering on the edge only for a moment before lunging forward to safety. She looks down, pleased with herself as she feeds on the crumbling tasty treat she'd come after.





She stops chewing and furrows her brow. A low growl begins. Then her tongue starts rolling around, in and out of her mouth, flicking bits of food all over herself. The growl is now louder then suddenly erupts into an ear-piercing screech as she rocks on all fours. She stops, smashes her gums together and grins, pleased that she made her sibling jump out of her skin.





Then she crawls over to her mother, demanding nature's snack. The mother protests. The growling begins again with the little one. She starts screeching again and as her mouth opens, the light bounces off what appears to be one tiny razor sharp tooth. The mother cringes and gives in, intent on weaning her little tiger sooner rather than later.

She'd Quit But Everyone Hates A Quitter

You mothers know your children. You can practically anticipate their next move or even thought! Then your child does something to remind you that he or she is a fantastic little individual and you should never underestimate her.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile then you know our struggle with Bella and her pacifier. The paci is Bella's vice, her smoke, her drink, her Godiva (yeah, it's mah weakness).

The dentist, who we've come to know better than her pediatrician these last two years, said that kids over age 2 with a pacifier become truly addicted to it. They believe they simply cannot sleep/survive without it. Sadly, with Bella, tis true.

So for the last 6+ months, we've been building up daily to her 3rd birthday. Rather, the week after her third birthday so she wouldn't always associate turning 3 with her parents ruining her life. (oh yes, drama of a 3 yr old equates to that of a tweenager)

Then she got sick. VERY sick. We thought she had a UTI but thank God the tests came back negative for it. Nevertheless, the week affectionately known as Hell Week, was set aside until she recovered.

Last night as I was tucking her into bed, she asked to sleep with me. I said no, she begged, pushed out a tear and I told her that she could sleep with me but NO PACI. She spit it out and trotted off to my bed all the while chatting about how much she loves me and I'm her best friend.

People, this child who's slept with a pacifier 95% of her life did not sleep with one last night.

Not a tear was shed. She didn't wake in the night asking for it. She woke up HAPPY!

I'm trying hard not to get too ahead of myself in thinking I can toss the Silicone Demon back to Satan but I am optimistic.

I don't care if she sleeps with me for the next 10 years if it means no more pacifier. Yes, you can remind me of that declaration when I'm complaining that my 13 yr old won't get her butt out of my back.

For now...victory for us all and a date with the playground for Bella.

When it was cute.

Who's Who At 9 Months

Let's play a little game.

Do you know which pictures are Bella and which are Ava?

They are both 9 months old when these were taken.

Most are easy but you may not know them all!

Bella never crawled. She tried for half a second then two weeks later began walking. So now that I have a crawler in the house, it has been fun as well as educational.

Ava can go from room to room at lightning speed. It is amazing! If I'm in the other room and she needs to find me (which is always, as of late), she'll wail "mamamama!" and bolt towards me, stopping only to eye a speck of leaf to determine if it is worthy of a taste before proceeding.

Ahhhh yes. Crawler's appetite. A walker looks for food bits on tables, toys or leftovers at their highchair's footrest. A crawler finds edibles in obscure places like corners, under the couch or behind furniture, smashing their cranium in awesome determination to retrieve a smidge of bug parts. They go out of their way for food inspection.

And Ava's learned the art of carrying something while crawling. She figured out quickly that it is uncomfortable to carry with one hand when crawling as it will crush fat fingers so she just puts it in her mouth. I have a human puppy.

She's quite pleased with her new skill. She's mastered it well and I don't know if she'll walk by ten months like big sister because Ava can high-tail it to her destination on all fours without injury (unless Mama puts a dress on her to trip on and smack her nose on the floor. Sorry, honeygirl!).

"They" say 50% of babies crawl. Guess that holds true in my house.

Go baby!

Wrestlemania

It looked to be a tough fight.

Aggressive Baby vs Lazy Cat.

Ooooh, low blow, Ava.

The two fist grip with a body squish. Bold move!

That's right. Look your opponent in the eyes before taking him out.

And the winner is...

Aggressive Baby!!

Next scheduled fight:

Whenever Lazy Cat decides he wants more of it and lays next to Aggressive Baby.

Fuhwee At Last, Fuhwee At Last!

Our little Bellarena is three years old.

WHERE has the time gone?

My 5 lb 12 oz teensy sweetpea is now a robust 27 lb chatty Cathy. And her favorite color is pink, in case anyone without ears didn't hear that all weekend.



While we might have an idea what traits our newborns might have as they grow, we can never come close to imagining what wonderful individuals they will continuously evolve into. Or what profound effect our children will have on our own lives.



Isabella is confident, yet a bit shy around those whom she may not know well. A daydreamer like her mother. A sensitive soul like her father. She is expressive with her words though she will often get lost in thought. Bella still asks about the "sleeping" dried-up butterfly Daddy put in the garden a month ago.



She constantly challenges and teaches everyone around her. To be more creative, funnier, sweeter, kinder, more giving, more loving, more informed, more patient, more trusting...to be better people.



So here we go, beginning the wonderful journey into the 3's. I've been given a taste in the last couple of weeks how they might be. Full of emotional ups and downs, pure laughter, heavy sobs...all within a matter of seconds. It is like having a toddler teenager.



And I'm okay with that. Just gonna have to wean Ava so I can start drinking. I'm KIDDING. I think. Get back to me in about six months.



:)



Happy Birthday, Angelgirl!!

Funny Phonics

Bella speaks extraordinarily well but she, like any other toddler, has trouble pronouncing certain letters. For her, it is "r" and "k".

Last night she was in the shower, her new favorite pastime, and husband decided to conduct English class.

H: Bella, can you say "O"?

B: O!

H: Good! Now can you say "kay"...for "K?"

B: Kay!

H: Great job! Are you ready to get out of the shower?

B: O'HAY!


*sigh*

Tagged

Louann tagged me which is good cuz I've had no creativity to post anything this week.



What were you doing 10 years ago?


I lived a very different life as a very different and unhappy person.



What were you doing 1 year ago?



Preparing to celebrate Bella's 2nd birthday as I continued to blimp out with pregnancy. Bella still looked like a baby then. Hey, wha happen?



Five snacks you enjoy

1. Godiva chocolate dipped biscotti to go with

2. Starbucks venti white chocolate mocha followed by

3. Lemon poundcake with thick white icing to be chased with

4. Sweet tea and

5. 100 calorie pack of Chips A'hoy. I'm all about balance.



Five songs to which you know all the lyrics

I know a little of the lyrics to a whole lotta songs



Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
I would invest it and become a BILLIONAIRE so I could...

1. Buy an island

2. Build a resort on that island for family and friends to visit. Note, I said VISIT.

3. Build a fantastic home somewhere in the US where there are no tornados, earthquakes or hurricanes. What does that leave...Arizona? They have monsoons. Crap.

4. Set up and fund the very best research lab/facility to find a cure for Cystic Fibrosis

5. Create the children's art studio I've always dreamed of.

SPEND SPEND SPEND! I'm sure that's understood.

Five bad habits

1. I binge on things like cookie dough, 5 packs of M&Ms or french bread with sweet butter. My butt is widening just thinking about it.

2. My imagination puts me into over drive of worry for my children. Random, weird things.

3. I don't take enough "me time" for things like unaccompanied baths. It is not relaxing to have one infant clawing to climb in and a 3 yr old helping you to wash your hair with one of her millions toys crowding the tub.

4. I start projects but don't always finish them (husband will fall out of his chair that I've admitted to this)

5. I rarely floss



Five things you like doing

1. Love to draw. I think I remember how but currently it is mostly shapes and flowers.

2. Love to read. I think I could still read books without pictures but it is ify.

3. Engaging in a full conversation with my husband. That is usually when the kids are sacked out in the car on a trip somewhere. So we get to talk about once a month.

4. Pretend play with Bella. She is hilarious and it is a treat to be a guest in her world of make-believe.

5. Pretend shopping. I love LOVE to look at catalogs of things I'll never buy but picking one thing off every page that I'd have to purchase.



Five things you would never wear again

1. Short shorts *shudder*

2. Uncomfortable high heels for the sake of other women

3. Backless tennis shoes. So dumb.

4. Blouses with shoulder pads (I second Louann on this one!)

5. Reba McIntire 90s hair (yes, I did)



Five favorite toys

1. DVR on the TV...life saver

2. Computer. Helps keep me sane and in touch with reality. Sorta.

3. Cell Phone. Far less disruptive conversations if I am defensively driving while the children are strapped in the back seat with gadgets of entertainment.

4. Bath tub. Oh how I miss thee.

5. CDs...any that my brother and sister make for me. HINT HINT

Okay, you're it...

Candid Camera

If my girls were celebrities, they'd surely be picky about their photo ops.

This one, for example, would be lovely in Parents magazine.
All cute and posed. No need for the fashion police either. Just pure adorableness.



But all celebrities have photos taken for which they'd NEVER want anyone to see. It might ruin their reputation for being adorable!

So this one would probably show up in some rag like Planet Poop or the New York Postpartum.

Happy 8 months, Ava Elizabeth! All your grinning, raspberry blowing and extreme crawl races fill our hearts with great joy.

Paging Doctor WhatsHerName

I'm going to the doctor this afternoon. I've been sick since Monday and can't seem to shake it. Like all good citizens, I avoid doctors as much as possible. However, facing the weekend in and out of fevers and the lovely attitude that accompanies feeling like warmed over doodoo, I took my sister's advice.

Problem? I have had one doctor the last 7 years. My OBGYN. I'm pretty sure he's not interested in checking anything neck up.

So I've located a doctor on our plan and get to start a whole new relationship with someone who's hopefully been in practice longer than I've been a mother.

The upside? 2-3 hours in a doctor's office. By myself. I may actually get to finish reading an article. Or two!

I'm All That And a Bag of Chips

We just got back from seeing my family in East Texas. In my brand new used 4Runner. It even has that used car smell with the nice new car spritzer.

I love it. We all have our own personal space during drives. That way, when Bella vomited Sunday's entire menu, it remained in her own personal space.

Ava was delightful the whole weekend. She took heavenly naps, laughed, screeched with delight and let everyone hold her for at least a nano-second +1. Bella had a bit more of a drama riddled time but that's par for course these days.

On the drive back there was the usual holiday traffic and prayers for especially long naps went unanswered.

While inching along the highway, my husband pointed out a cute dog peering out of the window. I don't look into other people's vehicles. A good example why I don't? As husband was pointing and chatting with Bella about the dog, the people in the vehicle thought we knew them and were all craning to see who we were in order to wave back. Even rolling down their window just in case we wanted to give a shout out. Awkward.

So as we keep crawling home, an 18 wheeler pulls up next to me. I really never look at those drivers. They are usually oogling hard for a glimpse of cleavage which I didn't even own until I had babies.

I made the mistake of looking at Trucker Man cuz he was right next to me and through the corner of my eye I saw his arm moving. I glanced super fast to see him tip his coffee mug at me and grin toothlessly while his window was down.

"Ewwwwwwww!" I said, shuddering dramatically. "Truckers are so gross! All horny and icky!"

Husband said the usual husband stuff, "Yeah, cuz you're HOT."

Then Trucker Man moved up next to the vehicle in front of us and I watched him talk to whoever was in there, then wave the vehicle over to his lane.

To get around the stalled out 18-wheeler in my lane.

Oh.



So, my friends, let that be a lesson to you. Truckers are not always horny and icky. Sometimes they are also friendly.

Something To Talk About

I'm not a girl's girl. I don't have a gaggle of girls that I like to hang out with. My best friend is my sister and my next best friend is Cathleen, Bella's best friend's mom (got that?). Most women get on my last ever-lovin nerve.

I've always been that way. One friend at a time. Low maintenance friends at that. Except with my sister, it is required we email/call every day or every other day. She helps keep me sane.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting some new women. Cathleen is making me do it. OKAY, she's not making me. It is an organization of stay-at-home moms who have playdates for their toddlers. But they also have a Girl's Night Out. Before Cathleen even finished her sentence about the GNO, I shot it down. Why?

It is far easier for me to mingle with moms when I have my kids with me. I feel like the focus is off of me or something. I don't think I'm all that but when I'm around a bunch of women, I feel like the intense white light of interrogation and judgement is upon me. But I have no idea what I think they are judging me on!

Granted, alot of women are snippy, catty and clustered together in their little groups with an invisible shield up for no intruders. I've seen this at Bella's gym class, her school and on the playground.

But that's me judging them, isn't it.

For whatever reason, when I enter the vacinity of a group of women, I get all verklempt. If all eyes are on me when someone asks a question, I turn bright red and words dribble out of my mouth like I'm on heavy medication.

I guess you could say I'm socially inept with females. However, I can hang with my husband's friends or socialize at his work functions like a superstar. I enjoy mingling with his co-workers or laughing at the endlessly retold stories by his friends. And I have no problem when those friends happen to have a girlfriend that week.

So what's the deal? Increasingly I hear how important it is to have women in our life. That it is supposed to keep us grounded to have that GNO.

Am I missing out on this big secret to happiness as a woman? Am I unfulfilled and didn't know it?

I know that I'm smart, funny and delightful to be around. My mama tells me so. Now that I'm a mama too, do I have to start being a girl's girl?

** UPDATE **

It went well! I really liked the "host mom" and a couple of others. When it got too gossipy I would just take Ava over to play with different kids. Bella was a bit sensitive but she only knew one child and overall she adjusted really well with a complimentary toddler fit when it was time to leave.

I have to say though with the way those 10 kids could tear up a house, I don't think I'll volunteer my home just yet!

A Leg (or two) To Stand On

Fat thighs are apparently helpful if you're

7 1/2 months and determined to stand vertically.

She really doesn't understand why

she can't just get up and go like big sister.

So, she practices.

All. Day. Long.

Worry Warts n All

My mom once told me that once you have children, you never ever stop worrying. Naturally, having my parents worry about me when I was younger was more annoying than appreciated.

What Mom didn't tell me is how irrational those fears can become!

I would imagine most pregnant women have over-the-top fears because we all know that absolutely anything can happen in those 9 months. Or we feared giving birth, not only for the baby's life but our own. Then of course the fears that baby wouldn't be healthy or perfect. We can mostly blame hormones for those panic attacks.

But what is with the constant dramatic "what-ifs" that pop into my head all the time?

What if I'm turning a corner while holding the baby and practically knock her head off on the door frame? Okay, done that. Twice.

What if I'm carrying my baby, I trip and lose grip of her only to watch helplessly as she rolls 2 feet away on the parking lot. Yeah, that happens in slow motion it turns out.

I'm constantly doing safety checks.

Is the knife block far enough back on the counter? Should I just do without knives for the next 10 years?

With all the perusing of the fridge Bella does, could she possibly pull it on top of her? Is she Mighty Mouse and I didn't know it?

Cribs are supposed to be safe but can I really leave Ava in there to play freely? Is there some crazy way she could get a limb yanked out of socket through the bars? I did the coke can test with them. Is that enough?

In the past if someone cut me off when I was driving, I would yell or make eye contact, cuz we all know that is intimidating. Now I'm afraid someone will pull a gun on me or my family. Someone needs to create a baby-in-the-vehicle force shield.

While I don't own one and don't plan to, I finally understand kid leashes. I've had Isabella disappear into the clothing rack and I nearly passed out in sheer panic until I heard her giggles from deep within toddler pj's.

Being in public, I constantly worry that someone is eyeing my children for the perfect opportunity to snatch one. While part of me thinks that is extreme, the other sees those creeps in the pedophile section of the paper or hears the horror stories in the news.

I know that I cannot protect my children forever but as long as they are dependent on me for their well-being, it is my job to be on constant surveillance. At home, in public, it is my job to protect them to the best of my ability.

However, I don't want to be That Mom who doesn't know when to chill and let her child venture from the nest a bit. Fortunately, I don't really have to face that challenge until fall when we attempt preschool again. I was pregnant with Ava the first go-around with Bella's school, so we'll see if that was hormonal or I'm just always a frantic freak.

What do you fear most? If you have more than one child now, what is it that you have maybe loosened your grip on?

** Please note: In reviewing this blog entry, I do hereby acknowledge that I am about due for the return of Woman Week as it has been 15+ months since the last one **

A Blessed Day

Our babies are the best gift my husband and I could ever give this world and each other. Two tiny human beings who have such an incredible impact on our lives and the lives of those who've met them.

I knew I always wanted to be a mother but I never imagined a love so fierce that it makes my heart skip a beat.

Who knew I could function on so little sleep and still keep up with a toddler and an infant? Or that nutrition and bowel movements would become such an integral part of every day? I never sang in public until I had a toddler. Now it is nothing for us to break into song while grocery shopping! Hearing Bella's sweet voice belt out "Happy And You Know It" is worth all the wincing at my tone-deafness.

To hear my children's laughter is the highlight of my day. When they cry it breaks my heart into a million pieces but when I can comfort them the world rights itself once more.

These tiny souls of light and love teach me every day how to be a better person. How to be more understanding, more giving, more loving.

When Bella was born, I looked down at her wrinkled red little self and wondered if I could truly love her more than I love me. Could I and would I sacrifice myself for her or any child of mine if I had to?

Before Ava was born, I worried..will I love her as much as I love Isabella? Am I going to be strong enough for these girls? There for them in an instant and stepping back when they need me to?

Of course. I'm a mother.

I'm Mommy.

And I'm blessed.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms and may you also feel blessed this day.

Hello, Lovey

I could never get Bella attached to anything besides her pacifier. Ava doesn't take a pacifier and appears to no longer have interest in her thumb (thank heavens).

Today she found a "lovey" for herself. A dish towel.

She was laying next to me playing with it, rubbing her face, covering and uncovering her face with it, "talking" to it and hugging it close to her. I admit, I got a little jealous.

So when it came naptime (we are in the throes of learning to nap without nursing), I lay her in the pack-n-play with her dish towel.

I have not heard a peep. I just got done sneaking in to make sure she's still breathing* and there she is, curled up with her dish towel.

If anyone needs a plastic key impression, just see Ava's forehead.

Looks like my mom is gonna have to point me in the direction of more dish towels for backup.

*For all who may be concerned, though she's been sleeping on her tummy for a couple of months, I won't let her have her dish towel buddy for night sleeping till she's older.

Jumpin Snooze

A good reason Mommy doesn't exercise.

It is exhausting.