Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Back To Reality

Isabella has a fantastic imagination which thrills me and worries me at the same time.

As my mom and I've discussed my own childhood imagination, it was hard on me as well as her that I was such a daydreamer. Report cards generally had side notes about me being a good student except for spending so much time in LaLa Land.

Creative minds lead to wonderful things too. I am an artist, though out of practice other than drawing shapes and preschool artwork. I have always loved to read. I have big dreams of big things I'd like to do in life such as open a children's art studio in an old warehouse and hire local art institute students to teach.

On the other hand, a vivid imagination can be stressful or even frightening.

Since I was a child, I've gotten the heebie jeebies from leaving dark rooms or laying in bed in a very dark room. Kinda ridiculous since I always prefer to sleep in total darkness. I remember being a kid and laying in my parents' very large wooden CREEKY bed. I'd lay perfectly still, barely breathing, smack in the middle, covers up to my chin and tucked all in. I wouldn't look to the sides for fear of seeing the huge, gnarly green hand with thick yellow fingernails reaching for me. My heart would thud so loud I swear I could hear it. Then I'd begin to think that whatever was under the bed would just start stabbing at me from beneath the bed! Reigning that fear in long enough to doze off was often a challenge.

Sad part? I still get creeped out like that.

In recent months, I've been struggling spiritually. Questioning everything in and out of religion. Then one night as Ava snored sweetly next to me, I fell into a deep sleep only to be awakened by an incredible force pulling me. Not pulling my physical body but my soul. I fought it furiously with my mind but my body couldn't move. I was truly terrified. Then pissed. I yelled at it, "Let go of me, asshole!" Yeah, I cursed at an evil entity trying to swipe my soul.

When I was able to force myself to wake up, I was so scared I couldn't move for a moment which was even scarier. Finally I was able to snuggle up to my innocent baby girl, praying her precious spirit would protect me. Then I prayed mightily for forgivenes, for peace, for strength.

Now I'm not sure if it was imagination run amuck or literal come-to-Jesus moment for me. Either way, that night has me wondering/worrying if Bella will also experience the negative sides to creative thinking.

For now, it pleases me to see her twirl about the house pretending to be Peter Pan. She insists we address her as Peter Pan and that we don't ignore Tinkerbell who's always exactly where we aren't looking for her to be.

It is sweet and fun to pretend with my 3 year old. I want to continue to foster her imagination but I hope to also help her learn when to let go and return to reality.

Now I must go practice my air guitar lessons.


Amanda Sue said...

all you can do is provide a solid foundation for your girls, on which they will build their faith.

mom told me once "faith drives out fear and fear drives out faith!" and (despite the corniness) that is so true.

Jemmers said...

I love your honesty in this post.

I hope you find peace.

And a rocking guitar stance!!!

You are one lucky momma!!

Kelly said...

Wow! Powerful and scary stuff. I'm going with a "come-to-Jesus moment"...

T-girl said...

OH! THAT PICT is just the EPITOMY of what a childhood should be!

Sigh, there is still a witch under my bed who will grab my toes and a vampire in the closet who will eat my neck it I don't hid it to go to sleep! You are not alone, Baby J is the same too I think, I try to foster it, my mother use to try to change it. I figure if I guide her maybe she will not be so out there as me! ;)

March Day said...

I still cannot go to sleep with the closet doors open. I often will close my kids' closet doors if they are open when I tuck them in. One night CR asked me why. I made up something about it just being a good idea to close the closet door. I didn't really want to tell him that it needs to be closed so the monsters don't get him!

tallulah said...

Imaginations can be a scary and wonderful thing can't they?

Kandace Groenewegen said...

e-mail me!

I want to tell you some stuff....