Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Which word came first? Alienate or Alien?

I realized today that I am NOT perfect.


Okay, I realized it about a week ago. See? Imperfect.

I think I'm pretty much all that with the self-esteem, happy-go-lucky, life is what you make it, guns don't kill people, people kill people. Oh, wait...

Today it dawned on me that I don't like sharing people I care about.

We went to yet another birthday party for Isabella's friends. Only this time, it was for her BFF, Mitchell. His mom and I are good friends. We talk nearly every other day and see each other on school days. She's funny, relaxed, smart and we could blab endlessly.

However, when we are around her other friends, I clam up. I have nothing brilliant or even half-coherent to say. I feel awkward and ridiculous. I just converse with all the humans under 4 feet tall and hope adult whats-her-name-in-blue won't make eye contact.

It has been this way with any friend I've ever had. Yay fun when just us. Boo-hiss when someone else shows up. Very mature, I know.

I also don't like sharing my sister. She is my BFF. But when I am around her friends, the same tardness comes over me. Words don't even form in my mind to say to those friends. All of whom are very nice and funny! I just stare at inanimate objects and laugh way too loud at what everyone else says.

My husband says I don't like to share him either. But that's not it. I like hanging out with him and his friends. It is relaxed and we always have fun. However, throw in a new (and always temporary) girlfriend of theirs, then I am obligated to be Provider of Small Talk with her and it throws me off completely. Bartender!

I guess I'm still insecure around women I don't know well. I am trying so hard to overcome this because it is very frustrating! I've struggled with group bashfulness all of my life. I'm 35 friggin years old though! Why can't I hang out with a clan of mothers or non-breeders and be as cool n' witty as I know that I am (and MODEST, mind you).


Being a grownup is hard.


cori said...

Oh my gosh!!! I TOTALLY relate!! I am so that way too. I have just never been able to express it quite as well as you have. You just put exactly how I feel when I'm around a group of ladies into words. People say I suddenly clam up, act snobbish, put up a wall. I HATE small talk. I like one friend at a time. I'm fiercely loyal. You are not alone, my friend! I get you. I don't like to share either. :)

Katrina said...

Yes! I so get this! I'm not sure if it's a leftover neurosis from junior high or what, but it is hard to walk into a crowd of women (or even just two or three) I don't know and strike up a conversation. Definitely easier with men, or even with just one mom standing next to me at the playground while our children are playing.

The Girl Next Door said...

Well, since there are three of you in this conversation already I should tarry off, however since we now have something in common I will stick around. LOL I swear get me around a group with one woman in it and I turn into a total wackjob. Men don't bother me but women... yeah, not so pretty. I was just thinking about this the other day, why is it when I talk to my bestfriend (who has been so since we were knee high to grasshoppers) I am witty, confident, quickwitted and just me but when I get around someone I don't know I feel like I am the new kid in 7th grade and I somehow forgot to put on clothes when I showed up to math class!?!

There is something to be said for a few close friends who know you so well you can be a total idiot and they still love you... not only that they GET your stupid joke when you tell them about the blunder later!!!

Amanda said...

see? those other ladies feel the same way.

as for the rest of us, who could have small talk with a rock, we envy those who know when to keep their mouths shut.

believe YOU me. (ha! i just had to say that!)

tallulah said...

Jenn, I'm right there with you. I think most people that don't know me well think I am being stuck-up or believe I don't like them. But it's really not the case! It's also 10 times worse out here in Mayberry because it is so much like high school.
I think with men we can work other parts of ourselves like personlality or looks to be comfortable....but we are very aware that women judge and can sometimes be catty and standoffish.
Hold your head high and be brave!